Philadelphia, 2004 (Wouldn't 1979 sound so much cooler? The '00s suck.)

Philadelphia brings to mind Cheese Steaks, Bruce Springsteen and Tom Hanks. I experienced it for the first time last weekend. But instead of Cheese Steaks, Bruce and Tom, it was Lorenzo's, Crystal Light and Couples. Single chick hell. Except for the pizza and vodka-infused 0-calorie juice. Me, my friend Curtis, and his pal TD attended a dinner party. It was us and four twenty-something couples who lived together. (Not together as in eight people, but as in couples.) V. interesting, mind you.

Couple #1 (The Hosts): She makes a mean four-layer dip. He smokes a mean bowl of weed. She's unhappy. He smokes weed. They've been together for five years, lived together for three. I've known Her for all of an hour, and She's asking me for my advice on how to get out of the relationship/shared apartment. Honey, let me first get in one. Then I'll let you know my plan of escape. Either way, She's too good for Him. She was my favorite Female at the party.

Couple #2: The only forty-something couple at the party. They were new in town—from California. Picture your second-grade teacher... smoking weed. This was Her. They seemed a bit uncomfortable.

Couple #3: She was a cute blonde who teaches elementary school. He was a skinny kid. They both looked about 19. I didn't really get to know Them. I was too mystified by Couple #4.

Couple #4: She wore pearls. He liked chicken wings. She was the biggest idiot I've ever met or seen on TV. Worse than Anna Nicole Smith, Phoebe Buffet from Friends, my friend Tara from H.S. and me at my ditziest...all put together. He didn't seem to notice. I don't recall Her name, but She brought an annoying poodle named Baby Abby Tequila. All She talked about was Her future line of maternity clothes. (You know, the kind where the belly shows—apparently that's in right now. It kinda makes me want to get preggers. Psych!) Oh, and some tailgate we all had to go to. At this point, I'd had too much vodka-infused 0-calorie punch, and I don't remember the rest of Her idiosyncrasies. Our conclusion: This Chick rocks in bed.