Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Sophie: 3, Me: 0

We all know that Sophie Sassypants hates my boyfriend and hides whenever he comes near. What you didn't know is that she peed on him two weeks ago. And it's getting worse by the day. For instance... 

Sunday morning, 11am
I wake up. Dan looks half dead and doesn't seem to be in a cuddling state of mind, so I go on a mission to find my cat. I check her usual hiding places and drag her out from under my bed. I rest her on my chest, with Daniel snoring beside me. She shivers and hides her face in my armpit, obviously annoyed to be within 20 feet of her worst nightmare, my boyfriend. He rolls over, and she runs to the other side of my apartment, all 300 square feet of it. I give up and leave to get coffee.

I come back to find Dan awake. "What's that smell?" he inquires. I lay down, so we're nose to nose, and I smell it, too. "It's poop," I conclude. Dan gets defensive. "I didn't poop! I didn't even fart, it wasn't me!" I crack up, obviously I didn't think Daniel shat his boxer briefs. I peek under the bed and drag Sophie out by her front paws. I've never seen a cat look so pissed in my life. "She's dripping!" Dan all but screams. "On your new bedspread!" Eww! I put her down and looked under the bed again. There is a huge puddle of piss and two neat piles of poop. I start shouting orders to Dan ("I need napkins, a towel, a trash bag!") and run my piss-soaked kitten to my bathroom. I wipe and comfort her, only to leave her cowering by her litter box — she knows HE is still around. It's all I can do not to vomit while mopping/cleaning the crappy plastic tile under my bed, pun intended.

Dan leaves, and I ponder Sophie's horrendous actions. This cat's not fucking around, she wants Dan out. I posted my dilemma on a cat-lover's message board, and get all sorts of opinions: "She's jealous." "Maybe she hates men." (Not true, she's fine with my dad and guy friends.) "She hates the way Dan smells." "Maybe you should trust your cat's instincts and dump your boyfriend."

Insane. So I've come to the conclusion to all but medicate Sophie. I made her a safe, private spot with a blanket and toys under my couch. I will have Dan leave out a cat treat every time he comes over, so maybe she'll start to associate "treats" with "Tina's boyfriend." I will make sure Dan and the cat do not make eye contact, as in my research I've found that cats see eye contact as a threat. And I will not pressure Sophie to love Daniel, as that causes stress on all parties involved. Finally, I pray my plan works.

1 comment:

  1. Tina,
    "SHATTING"? ..... I think that would be "shitting". Whadya think?
    Much Love, DAD
    p.s. I like your new blog thing!
    Again, Much Love,
    The Ole Man


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