Tuesday, May 20, 2008

A Single Chick's Apartment

I just came across an article that lists bachelorette "singlefiers"—or, rather, items one might find in a single chick's pad. My sheer curiosity transpired into mortification as I skimmed through the list. I'll put it this way — I had to scrape my jaw off the desk: 

Piles of magazines everywhere, comprised of tons of pretentious ones that are clearly untouched and then severely thumbed-through Vogues and Luckys. Oh, God. My New Yorkers remain in pristine condition, while my copies of Glamour and Cosmo are nearly ripped to shreds. This is 100 percent accurate.

Overflowing shoe rack and nothing in the fridge.
My shoe rack is actually broken, there are so many shoes. Last time I counted, there were 40 pairs. That was a year ago. My fridge isn't exactly empty. There's some ketchup. And the essentials such as butter, expired milk and a Brita.

Scented candles.
 Check. Including a jumbo-size Warm Vanilla Sugar one from B&BW.

Slovenly heaps of little-used makeups in the bathroom.
Not in the bathroom. On my dresser. I have one MAC shadow that I use religiously, and the others collect dust. I don't know why I insist on keeping eye shadow in every color of the rainbow, when I only wear the green one on St. Patrick's Day.

tuffed animals on the bed. Not on the bed. On the couch. Three of them: 25th Anniversary Care Bear, Mr. Brown and a purple duck that quacks when you squeeze him.

Cat hair on the furniture.
I brush Sophie three times a week, and she still sheds.

Cat smell.
OK. That is something I am obsessive about. I refuse to have that Smell in my apartment. The other day, my neighbor even mentioned that my apartment no longer has the Cat Smell.

Cabinets full of mugs bearing the legend "I Love Shopping" or whatnot.
None of those. Whew.

Anything pink.
Hel-lo! I'm a CHICK!

Ornamental pillows.
Check. Two of them.

Unedited bookshelves, esp. if they include
He's Just Not That Into You.
 OMG. I'm caught. I have that book and Why Men Love Bitches. Thank goodness I ditched Dating For Dummies last year...now that would be embarrassing. But for the record, DFD was a joke left on my desk by a coworker three years ago. Yeah, so I brought it home... BUT I NEVER OPENED IT! Seriously.

OK, no. I've never used Nair. But my razors are pink... 

Anything lite or diet around. Cases of Diet Coke. Not cases. Just one case. And my tator tots in the freezer are NOT lite thankyouverymuch.

Inspirational or thinspirational things on the fridge.
Is it bad that I instantly knew what this writer meant by "thinspirational"? It could be the wacky motivational poster I made of my stunning ex-college roommate. Or the "Get-Out-of-Exercising Excuses That Don't Work" article I have taped to the fridge. 

Framed posters. I don't have any framed posters, but why on earth is that a sin? How many dudes do you know with framed Motley Crue or Rolling Stones posters? On the other hand, I do have some framed photos I took from a vintage Vogue-inspired calendar...

Handbag tree.
But it's not really a tree. It's more of a pile in the bottom of my closet. Next to the shoes.

I'm hopeless.


  1. That list is bogus. I have every single one of those things except for the cat stuff. So, whatever!

  2. Wow. Except for the cat stuff...that thing is dead on... and I'd probably have a cat too if I wasn't completely allergic to them.

  3. Lol who did you make a poster of? How funny...

  4. we bought it for 180, now it's 215-220...


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