Friends. And I Don't Mean the Exinct Ross Gellar.

From today's The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club desk calendar:
Relationships Suck
I don't understand the Speech and how men learned about it. Was it part of boys' eighth grade PE class, did the gym teacher make them say it to one another over and over in the showers?
"Okay, now how does it go?"
"It goes, 'You're a cool girl, and I like hanging out with you, but I'm not ready to make a—um, that big word—commitment to one person, and I think we need to be...we need to be...'"
"Man, this is the most important part! The 'F' word, man! The 'F' word!"
"Oh, yeah! You tell the chick you want to be Friends! But you don't mean it, do you?"
"No. A chick won't let you nail her if she knows she's not even a Friend."

From Tina's "desk calendar" in her head:
10 Ways To Make Friend Speeches Way Cooler:
1. Give the recipient a cookie afterward.
2. If it's coming out of my mouth and not going in my ears.
3. If the giver is a guy, he should say "Don't cry, sweetheart! I've set you up on a date with Jake Gyllenhaal this Friday."
4. Don't text your Friend Speech or do it on AOL IM. Well, unless it's after a crappy blind date, because I did that once. And it's OK to e-mail the Friend Speech, because I've done that, too. Basically, if I do it, then it's OK.
5. If the giver is a girl, she should make the guy cheesy potatoes afterward.
6. Give the recipient a gift certificate to Bloomingdale's. Hel-lo! Retail therapy, anyone?
7. A Blockbuster GC would be cool, too. Romantic comedies. Sigh. Wait, the recipient might get angry. A punching bag is better.
8. Give the recipient eight SoCo and Lime shots first. Wait. They might get angry. Place a punching bag in a nearby location, give them the shots, and then run for your life.
9. If you're the giver, have sympathy sex before you do the deed. (Only you'll know it's sympathetic.) And if you're a guy, for God's sakes, let the girl go first for once, OK?
10. And did I say to give the recipient a cookie? Make it chocolate peanut butter, too.