The Fat Files

I apologize male readers, but only my female following can truly appreciate what I have to say on this October day, October 15.

It's been awhile since I've complained about my "diet" struggles. Something all twenty-something women face. All of you. Don't deny it. Whether you're not eating all day so you can get extra wasted at night, eating nothing but chicken broth so you can fit in that bridesmaid dress, vowing to do an hour of cardio a day, saying you'll go to the gym on Monday, whatev—we ALL go through it. And you can say I have nothing to worry about like some of you say, but I can't help the nagging feeling that strangers call me Fatty McFatterson behind my back. It's just too bad that we all have these body hang-ups, but we do. No matter how many "Men Love Your Curves" stories I read in Glamour, I'll always have my issues. Let me tell you about my little "struggle."

The beginning: My body issues blew up junior year of high school. Kelly Peterson and I were sitting in the J-lab working on the school newspaper. I asked her if she had a "pooch." She said yeah and proceeded to show me. I think she was just sticking her tummy out. Either way, I realized that she had a flat stomach and I did not. So on Thanksgiving Night, 1997, I started doing stomach crunches. 200 a night, every night. That spring, my dance team and I went swimming together. Gwyn McPherson pointed at my abs and said "Hey! You have a two-pack!" I looked down and I did! Not a six-pack, but I had two little ab-like things above my belly button. The beginning of flat abs? No. I still had my pooch. It just had muscle beneath it.

Fast-forward a couple years: I'd go to the gym. Go running. Whatever I felt like. But I drank. A lot. Either way, I gained the Freshman 15. Or 10. I've tried the Special K diet. One meal, and two bowls of cereal a day only lasted about 6 days. Atkins. I tried that in college. Considering I didn't have a stove, I lived off of cottage cheese and deli turkey for 3 days. South Beach. I started on a Monday, and lasted until Friday when I accidently drank a lot of beer.

Now: I have the habit of going in work-out spurts. I'll jog five times a week for a month. Then I'll quit. For about two months, I've been trying to do that again. Everyday, I set my alarm for 7:16 a.m., and I hit Snooze until 8:22. So last night, I strategically moved my alarm clock/radio out of arm's reach. So how'd that work out this morning? I literally got out of bed six times to hit Snooze. But it was a pain in the butt. I think it'll eventually work. Probably by next Thursday I'll be jogging around the streets of Hoboken. The only thing that kept me inside this morning was that it looked like it would rain.

At my therapist's urging, I've been keeping a Food Journal for three days. I have a goal of 1,500 cal./day.
Wednesday: OJ, Eng. muffin w/ PB, 2 grapes, alphabet soup, string cheese, oatmeal, oyster crackers, Eng. muffin w/ PB and banana. 1,615 calories.
Thursday: Eng. muffin w/ PB, (boss took us to lunch) mozzarella/tomato salad, French bread, Penne w/ Vodka sauce, cappuccino, fruit. 2,000 calories. Fuck.
Friday: (This is today. It's 12:30 p.m.) Choc. chip oatmeal, choc. donut (from Photo Dept.), chocolate-mint ice cream cake (from Digital Studio—they always force food upon me up there). 850 calories. Double fuck. No one else can hear it, but chocolate always taunts me in a threatening, mocking manner. I'd rather stick it in my mouth than get my ass beat by a chocolate donut. You'd do the same thing.

I have come to realize that if I keep this up, I am in no way close to losing 10 pounds. My goal is 10 pounds by Dec. 15. That's when I go home. I think I'll go buy some willpower. And some staples for my stomach.

PS I'm so excited! So I heard from friend of a friend that there's this miracle birth control out there—it's called Yasmin. Apparently, this friend of a friend who wasn't so well-endowed before now has D-size boobs and has lost five pounds. I called my gyno to inquire about this miracle pill, who said "Birth control is birth control, but Yasmin does decrease water retention." That would be the five pounds. But hallelujah! She called my pharmacist, and I am now well on my way to a pair of B-size boobs! It's about time. Sigh. Oh and FYI, THANK YOU SO MUCH for your support with that little surgery! I can't tell you how much you guys mean to me (meaning, my friends, not strangers who happen to read this). My doctor called yesterday, and it was some..growth change or something. Either way, it's benign, and I probably won't get cancer until I'm 45. :)