Monday, April 12, 2010

NYC Cleanse: Day 1

Yes. That is my weight at the right. Don't judge. Supposedly it's average for my height. On the higher end of average, but I digress. And kindly disregard my orange feet, courtesy of last week's Mystic Tan. This is my journey to cleanliness, and I am not holding back. Moving on... BPC says to start the day with warm water and lemon — apparently this gets your intestines moving. Fine. I paid $200, and I'm going to do it right. Pour glass of warm water and immediately squirt lemon juice in my eye. Ouch. Am not off to a good start.

Juice 1: Green Lemon (romaine, celery, cucumber, green apple, spinach, kale, parsley, lemon)
8:20am I have not heard good things about this Green Juice, so I take drastic measures in the form of stealing some of those big straws from Starbucks for faster, um, sucking. Toothbrush is prepped with toothpaste. I am ready. I start gulping. Not so bad. I pause to catch my breath. Oh, God. I am overwhelmed by healthy bursts of flavor. Kale. Parsley. Spinach. Determined to get my money's worth, I finish in one slurp. I burp celery. This $20 bottle of juice cannot come back up. Gulp water, brush teeth, I am done. I am rock star.

I pass my coffee shop on the way to work — it is calling my name. I say I am sorry, but I cannot come in today, even if the flavor of the day is Caramel Nut Fudge. I see a man eating McDonald's hash browns on the train. I stare longingly, mouth agape. I realize I resemble one of the New York crazies and go about my business. Side note: Jami says she loves the Green Juice. FML.
Juice 2: P.A.M. (pineapple, apple, mint)
9:45am Tasty. This one I like.

Juice 3: Green Apple (romaine, celery, cucumber, kale, parsley, green apple, spinach, lemon)
12:30pm You, again. I love how they change the name of the juice to entice me, when truthfully, it's the same ol' shit I drank this morning. Awesome. Jami says to focus on the green apple, so I do. It helps for all of two gulps. Then the spinach rears its ugly head. But I finish.

Juice 4: Spicy Lemonade (filtered water, lemon, agave nectar, cayenne)
2:30pm Not bad. It's like lemonade... with a kick. Trying not to think about Juice #5. Post Juice #4, I sit through a brutally long meeting. For the first time today, my stomach growls.

Juice 5: C.A.B. (carrot, apple, beet, ginger, lemon)
6pm *nervous* Can't. Handle. Beets. Traumatic childhood experience: 9 years old, babysitter's house. PB&J and beets for lunch. I try the beets and immediately gag. Babysitter won't let me leave the table until beets are gone. The other kids ate their beets and are bouncing on the trampoline outside. I sit there until 5pm when my mom arrives. I am forever scarred.

Fill plastic cup with ice, prep Starbucks straw. Mmmm, Starbucks... Focus, Tina! The colder the juice is, the less I will taste the beets. And ginger. I forgot about the ginger. Hate the stuff. Pour juice, start gulping. I barely taste it! Until I pause to take a breath. Then the lingering taste of beets mixed with ginger manifests in my throat. Memories of my 9-year-old self waft through my mind. A coworker walks in to find  me staring forlornly at my cup o' beets. I laugh and try to explain why I'm staring into a cup of thick red juice. Mention the cleanse and impending colonic. (Seriously?! Do I have no filter? Do not discuss colonics with work colleagues I rarely interact with!) She raises her eyebrows and leaves. I finish my juice. I burp a beet and shudder. I leave work for my Monday night dance class and continue to silently burp beets mixed with ginger all throughout class. Gross is an understatement.

Juice 6: Cashew Nut Milk (filtered water, raw cashews, agave nectar, vanilla bean, cinnamon)
9pm After class, I longingly walk by all my favorite fast food joints — Five Guys (burgers), Chipotle (burritos), Grimaldi's (pizza). I heard a rumor that Juice #6 tastes like a milkshake, and it's my saving grace. I get home, pop it open and take a sip, expecting to savor its ice creamy goodness. WTF?! This is not a milkshake. It's... it's nothing more than a nut-flavored milky substance with a hint of cinnamon. So much for great expectations. I drink it anyway. Ha. Nut-flavored milky substance... oh, shutyourpiehole, you thought it, too.

Day 1: Done.


  1. This sounds like a day from h* in heaven's name are you doing this to yourself?!

  2. Because I want to be thin and fabulous! And it got good reviews on Yelp.

  3. It sounds pretty unhealthy :( Being skinny is not the most important thing in the world and you look pretty thin to me already should just eat healthy and exercise, what happens when you get off the juice? Won't you gain the weight back??

  4. I was just being silly. :) (But thank you!!) Truthfully, I hear that it helps get rid of certain food cravings. I'm just doing it as a jump start to being a bit healthier because my eating habits are terrible. It's not really so much for weight loss (I don't think you lose that much from it), but more for kick starting a healthier lifestyle. I'll probably still eat badly from time to time, but I hope not to as much! The juices are packed with nutrients, and I don't feel hungry. And luckily, it's only 3 days!


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