NYC Cleanse: Day 1

Yes. That is my weight at the right. Don't judge. Supposedly it's average for my height. On the higher end of average, but I digress. And kindly disregard my orange feet, courtesy of last week's Mystic Tan. This is my journey to cleanliness, and I am not holding back. Moving on... BPC says to start the day with warm water and lemon — apparently this gets your intestines moving. Fine. I paid $200, and I'm going to do it right. Pour glass of warm water and immediately squirt lemon juice in my eye. Ouch. Am not off to a good start.

Juice 1: Green Lemon (romaine, celery, cucumber, green apple, spinach, kale, parsley, lemon)
8:20am I have not heard good things about this Green Juice, so I take drastic measures in the form of stealing some of those big straws from Starbucks for faster, um, sucking. Toothbrush is prepped with toothpaste. I am ready. I start gulping. Not so bad. I pause to catch my breath. Oh, God. I am overwhelmed by healthy bursts of flavor. Kale. Parsley. Spinach. Determined to get my money's worth, I finish in one slurp. I burp celery. This $20 bottle of juice cannot come back up. Gulp water, brush teeth, I am done. I am rock star.

I pass my coffee shop on the way to work — it is calling my name. I say I am sorry, but I cannot come in today, even if the flavor of the day is Caramel Nut Fudge. I see a man eating McDonald's hash browns on the train. I stare longingly, mouth agape. I realize I resemble one of the New York crazies and go about my business. Side note: Jami says she loves the Green Juice. FML.
 
Juice 2: P.A.M. (pineapple, apple, mint)
9:45am Tasty. This one I like.

Juice 3: Green Apple (romaine, celery, cucumber, kale, parsley, green apple, spinach, lemon)
12:30pm You, again. I love how they change the name of the juice to entice me, when truthfully, it's the same ol' shit I drank this morning. Awesome. Jami says to focus on the green apple, so I do. It helps for all of two gulps. Then the spinach rears its ugly head. But I finish.

Juice 4: Spicy Lemonade (filtered water, lemon, agave nectar, cayenne)
2:30pm Not bad. It's like lemonade... with a kick. Trying not to think about Juice #5. Post Juice #4, I sit through a brutally long meeting. For the first time today, my stomach growls.

Juice 5: C.A.B. (carrot, apple, beet, ginger, lemon)
6pm *nervous* Can't. Handle. Beets. Traumatic childhood experience: 9 years old, babysitter's house. PB&J and beets for lunch. I try the beets and immediately gag. Babysitter won't let me leave the table until beets are gone. The other kids ate their beets and are bouncing on the trampoline outside. I sit there until 5pm when my mom arrives. I am forever scarred.

Fill plastic cup with ice, prep Starbucks straw. Mmmm, Starbucks... Focus, Tina! The colder the juice is, the less I will taste the beets. And ginger. I forgot about the ginger. Hate the stuff. Pour juice, start gulping. I barely taste it! Until I pause to take a breath. Then the lingering taste of beets mixed with ginger manifests in my throat. Memories of my 9-year-old self waft through my mind. A coworker walks in to find  me staring forlornly at my cup o' beets. I laugh and try to explain why I'm staring into a cup of thick red juice. Mention the cleanse and impending colonic. (Seriously?! Do I have no filter? Do not discuss colonics with work colleagues I rarely interact with!) She raises her eyebrows and leaves. I finish my juice. I burp a beet and shudder. I leave work for my Monday night dance class and continue to silently burp beets mixed with ginger all throughout class. Gross is an understatement.

Juice 6: Cashew Nut Milk (filtered water, raw cashews, agave nectar, vanilla bean, cinnamon)
9pm After class, I longingly walk by all my favorite fast food joints — Five Guys (burgers), Chipotle (burritos), Grimaldi's (pizza). I heard a rumor that Juice #6 tastes like a milkshake, and it's my saving grace. I get home, pop it open and take a sip, expecting to savor its ice creamy goodness. WTF?! This is not a milkshake. It's... it's nothing more than a nut-flavored milky substance with a hint of cinnamon. So much for great expectations. I drink it anyway. Ha. Nut-flavored milky substance... oh, shutyourpiehole, you thought it, too.

Day 1: Done.